Now, what do I do?

For the past 27, almost 28 years, I have devoted every waking moment to being a mom. It is a position that I constantly desired and took on with great zeal and pride. As an early childhood educator, I felt nothing was more important than to spend as much time with my children as possible. I always told my students’ parents, that “these years would fly by.” The early years of childhood are foundational. They lay the groundwork for the adult that he or she will one day become. I did not want to miss a moment.

“The nights are long, but the years are short. ” How many times did I hear that phrase? As I managed to get up after sleepless nights and get my children off to school and myself off to work, I could not imagine what those years might be like. The day that I woke up and had no one to wake up and help me get ready seemed so far away.

“One day you will wake up and have no one to take to practice.” That seemed impossible as I drove to soccer and basketball practices and games for over 18 years. On to drama classes and choral practices. Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Summer Camp, and endless school events. There were days that we literally lived in the car. I had coolers filled with drinks and food, and homework was done in the back of the van or on a blanket at the field if we had no other option.

Weekends were spent at the soccer snack stand as we arrived at 7 a.m. to make sure the coffee was perking away when those 8 a.m. game whistles blew. As the weather turned cold, we entered the gym for basketball and indoor soccer.

My car held sports equipment, muddy cleats, and various musical instruments, not to mention all sorts of clothes, wipes, hand sanitizer, and cases of water bottles. We were always prepared since no matter the weather, we trudged on.

My life was a whirlwind and there were many days I wanted to just sit home and be quiet. Take a moment or two.

Well, that moment has arrived. In fact, it arrived two years ago, but it is just hitting me now.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having grown children. It is wonderful to see what they have become and what they are still heading towards. I am tired, I would not want to be living at that fast pace any longer. I value my time to go for a walk in the park. To go to the nail place without arranging a babysitter. To go out to eat with my husband on a regular basis. To have conversations with my adult children about world events and what their week at work has been like. But I am still like a fish out of water.

I know that this is my time. I have a chance now to do much of what I always wanted to do but did not have the time or energy to pursue. My kids ALWAYS came first in my heart and in my head. It was THEIR time. But now it is my time.

I was asked shortly after my youngest graduated High School and my days as PTA, band and sports mom were coming to an end, about what hobbies I had. Hobbies? I thought? I had not thought about hobbies in a very long time. Driving? Packing sports bags? Are those hobbies?

I used to do crafts, make wreaths, take pictures, write blogs, read books and go walking, I thought, perhaps I can do one or some of those again.

I have wanted to start my own business, perhaps this is the time.

I want very much to travel someday, perhaps when my husband “grows up” since he has not allowed himself to leave the field or the gym yet, and is hanging on to every shred of this life we have had for so long. If not, maybe I will go with a friend.

Wait…friends? That needs work as well. Parents often have friends who are the people they sit in the gym with or stand in the rain on the sidelines with. When those days end, sometimes, so do those relationships. Something else I need to work on.

So here I am, over 55, eligible for senior discounts in some places yet feeling better about myself than I have in years, looking for my life.

It’s here somewhere.